Needing, of Knowing, of Wanting.

Got this off another dear blogger, Max.

This pic struck me, more than I would've liked. Perhaps I don't really know what I want.

Do you?

Are you clear and concise with your plans and choices that you make and can never veer off?

Or are you brash and reckless and live life on the edge not knowing what comes next?

I never pictured myself as the planning type but it seems that I've been 'arranging' a lot of occasions and events these months. Then again, I get little hits like this pic, and suddenly I feel like cancelling most of my plans.......... make sense?

Intimacy

Just wondering about the subject. How widely is it actually defined?



Like, if you meet up for sex, do you just fuck and go?

I tend to get rather intimate in bed. Lots of caressing, cuddling, kissing, touching etc. I enjoy that kind of foreplay.  To the extent that I can go at it for quite a while.

I think it has to be that way. That when you're physically attracted to a guy, you'll feel the need to be intimate, and sex is just part of that intimacy.

Or is it? Maybe it's a separate thing for you. Opinions, people?

Typing Lol

Expectations Vs Reality:

We're all guilty of it.
ALL OF US. That means you too. Don't deny it.

F - Fascinated. Fawning. Fiddlesticks

I was invited to a gathering of sorts in a classy yet quaint little place called F in Bangsar.

It was a catching up session for most of the guys, and an introduction for me. It turns out, half of them were juniors from my secondary school. Juniors. Makes me feel old. Overall, the session was pretty awesome. I'm glad to see that some guys in this circle are so cultured.

But I have to admit... I didn't simply join the gathering for what it is. I simply liked the company of a certain someone. Don't think he notices...yet. I think I've gotten really good at hiding my feelings.

Dunno what to Do,
D

Spirit of the Season

8TV Ramadan PSA TV Ads Insulting Chinese Malaysia 2011

I truly wish my dear Muslimin & Muslimat a happy Aidilfitri, but the video above really crushed the spirit of this holiday.


Disgusted,

D

Age Old

Just after I was done with the weekly badminton session with the old friends, they got to talk about an issue. Marriage.

I'm 25 going on 26. The trend among my peers is that people are either getting married, married already, or single. Those that are dating seem to be reducing in number. One of my friends is having such an experience. He's beengiven the passive aggressive treatment by his girlfriend, who wants to get married. He, on the other hand, doesn't want to, just yet. Citing the usual, money, careers and generally the young adult life comes first for him. But he does feel guilty for holding up the marriage. They have been together for quite a few years.

I can't help but wonder what the standard time/age it is for couples to get married. The word that goes around is before 30 for girls, and just about that age for guys. Biologically, it makes sense for the girls, supposedly because it's riskier to have children at an older age, assuming the girl wants kids in the first place.

The issue has eluded me for years, and has now been buried. My parents even spout single line excuses to people who ask. It's as if they know I'm not interested in anyone just yet...and possibly in the future. Anyone that the extended family will readily approve, that is.

A part of me is glad that I don't have to worry about the issue of marriage. Another part of me wishes I had these set of common problems instead of my existing closet of skeletons.

I'm sure many have discussed this before. So here's something a little more specific to ponder: When, if ever, do you want to get married? Should everyone be held against a standard age for marriage?

I  feel that many people now get married because they need to. It's no wonder why half of all marriages end in divorce. Life shouldn't be so miserable. So... mechanical, that our sole purpose of being born is to propagate our lineage and keep our bloodlines in check. (Note: at this rate, Chinese people will take over the world.)

Lost, and maybe in Denial,

D

The Games We Play

I'm a gamer. Mostly PCs nowadays. Still a fan of RPGs, and loving the substitute satisfaction of a sure win at the end of it all. I'm pretty good at games. Most games. Like badminton, or chess, or scrabble. But there are some games that I'm not so good at.

One of these games is the game of fitting in. Where peer pressure is abundant, accepted, and constantly pressing on my feeble head every day. I've been going out of character trying out new experiences in my social circle. Well, trying out would be a nice way to put it. Conforming to the social norm is more like it. I feel like I gave in to that notion, just to feel that sense of belonging. I went to the clubs and bars to meet new people; I went drinking so I could be hang the cool gang; I went to the gym to workout my eyes more than other parts. These are common agendas nonetheless, yet something still felt amiss. There are other ways to win in this game, no? Yet I chose the path most trodden. I'm sorry, Mr. Frost.

Then there's the dating game. As much as I've discussed with so many people about it, I can't seem to get it right. Geez, what's a boy to do to get your attention? After numerous hits and misses, the one common conclusion people seem to draw to is that there's no better guide than experience. Gotta get out more, I suppose.

They're all games, or at least, I see them as such. And they're all part of the big game of life. Maybe it's easier for me to accept these experiences that way. That there are rules, players, goals, limits, visuals, explanations, or no explanations, and progress, codes, cheating, but most pertinent of it all, that it should be fun, and that it ends somewhere, sometime.

It's a large, complex and comprehensive game.... Nothing a wrong mind can't handle. It's just not so good at it.... yet.

Factoring

I remember about a year ago, I watched a documentary of sorts. It was called The Butch Factor. I should highlight now that the subject of homosexuality and the subjects that extend from there greatly interest me. Naturally, this was a film that talks about the subject and the stereotyping that comes with it. We stereotype. As much as we claim that we don'tm we do it without realising it. When you're fine with it, it's called categorisation, segregation or whatever. When you're not, you call it racism, discrimination, etc. Back to the point. The Butch Factor is a film on gay stereotyping, with a focus on masculinity. I think it sums up the subcultures in our minority community well enough.

This year, however, I stumbled on to what might as well be the sequel to The Butch Factor. Also by Mr. Christopher Hines, is another film obsessed with the subcultures of the gay community. The Adonis Factor, however, is obsessed on gay obsessions, with image, that is. I like the film. I think those who don't already have a grasp on what kind of similarities and disparities among gay people and are too lazy to read about it (and wouldn't mind watching some attractive men on screen) should give these 2 films a go.

And if you're incidentally still reading my boring crap, here's the link to the latter film with a description: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=DELVGQ4K
Gay men and their pursuit of physical perfection.
Chiseled bodies, flawless skin, sculpted jawlines. At a time when popular culture objectifies men more than ever, it’s hard for them to avoid the pressure to possess such physical traits. In his follow-up to The Butch Factor, director Christopher Hines exposes how far some will go to attain The Adonis Factor – the kind of god-like masculine beauty only seen in ancient Greek sculptures.: Christopher Hines takes viewers on an eye-opening journey through circuit parties, gay porn, and avant-garde fashion photo shoots, all of which promote their own kinds of idealized physiques. By capturing a diverse range of voices — from those who dedicate their lives to the pursuit of mainstream male beauty, to those who openly spurn it — The Adonis Factor ultimately poses the question: does a man’s fixation on body image make him any happier?

This little piggy's going to the Market(Place)

I've never been the clubbing type. I can count the number of visits I've made over the past 10 years with my 2 hands.

However, I've chosen, yet again, to defy my instincts and give it yet another try. Some people say that each experience you have in life is always uniquely different from another's. Let's hope this will be a pleasant one for me.

As luck would have it, I've a friend to whom I recently came out to, and he's been egging me to go with him to the MarketPlace. Yes. The MarketPlace. Jeez, the number of lines and puns I have for this place... waitaminute, I think I'll just make a post out of all the lines I know!

For one, this is one unique meat Market that's pretty popular around town. Apparently, it serves a great deal of beef. And cake. Note that don't mean it in a literal sense, and that the two are not mutually exclusive.

This Place, it Markets itself primarily for dining, with drinking on the side, but those who patronize the place frequently know better. Incidentally, if you don't know yet, the meat Market I just spoke of is a black Market of sorts. Not that it Markets black meat, mind you, although that would be a wildly delicious Place. This happens to be the case because the nation it belongs to has no tolerance for such Markets, officially speaking. Therefore, it relies on underground Marketing to thrive on, i.e. word-of-mouth, contacts, etc.

Personally, I like my Markets the way they are, dirty, smelly, and rich with ingredients. The culinary sort. Although it's been a fantasy for me to Market myself in this Place, I have a grave feeling that I will not like facing that reality, and then I will have no Place to put my face.

Overall, I think we all yearn to find our own Place in this world, and part of us think that we can buy it off a Market. Perhaps, this is why we find ourselves mingling, hustling, grinding and heaving our way through this Market, hoping to satiate our hunger through a delicious one night course. Hoping, that we will no longer feel out of Place.

This wrong mind has fabricated its own Place, and knows that leaving it will be inevitable. It doesn't make the process any less undesirable.

Standard, or Double?

Just a thought, I had a few friends talking to me about relationships today. The topic generally covered sex and relationship, but what struck me was the similarities between two conversations.

One friend, A, is in a budding relationship. His counterpart was asking to take a step further in the relationship i.e. jumping A's bones, but A is holding off, because he's thinking of starting a serious relationship.

B, another friend, also in a budding relationship, is on his XX'th date with a person he likes, but this time, they've made it official that they're in a relationship, i.e. they're going exclusive....but, they've not slept together

The thing is, A & B both wouldn't even hesitate to go for a quick hook up (not with each other, mind you, you wild minds). BUT, sex is a no-no if they... are 'serious'.

How is it that sex is okay if you're not coupling up, but locked in a sanctimonious chastity vault when you think you've found the love of your life? That's just it. It's a double standard.

The main difference, as A & B would explain, is the emotional connection. There's a great deal of subjectivity to the term, as there was a great deal of subjectivity in A & B's defending their celibacy. As I poked the question to some other friends, they separate the 2 instances of sex to love-making and....well, fucking. So I guess they're seen as 2 different matters in the same act.... ironic? Oh well, some things I can understand, but can't accept. At least, if I don't understand something, I'll just be forced to accept it.

I'd like to say I don't differentiate the two (to clarify, I don't see the two as two different acts, but the same act, just that one is done in conjunction .... WTIH FEELING! :P But who knows? Maybe I'll fall into the social norm as well. Somebody shoot me. I'll pray you're Cupid. I'll go have a double cheeseburger now. That's a lot more acceptable.

Oblong

Apparently, there's a Ramly-ish styled burger in the shape of an oblong that I haven't tried. It's supposed to be good. I MUST HAVE IT.

On another note, I'm emotionally stuck. It's not completely unrelated to the above, but it's a matter of relationships. What happens when the both of you click, yet you're not falling head over heels for one another? We say the right things, have quite a few things in common, and sure, a few kinks and dislikes that come together with the package but all things considered, there's a lot more smiling and laughing going on whenever we meet.

....So how am I not physically revving like a raging sportscar!?

Some things are puzzling. This wrong mind needs to know.

Miscalculating The Incalculable.

So here's the thing. I've been meeting a lot of new people. I think only the select few whom actually listen to me when I blabber about the intimate details of my life (and read this blog post) know what I mean.

Like many new experiences, I always make it a point to go about learning as much about them beforehand as possible, and if you're a person who plans, you know that it comes with expectations. These expectations may be more or less than what you truly experience, or to put simply, just different. That's why they're called experiences, or life's lessons, because you can't learn it any way other than living it.

I won't go into the finer details here for my own sake, cuz I've gone through them with you already (you know who you are). So, if you actually bothered to read this post and don't know what I'm talking about, feel free to ask me in person, and I'll gladly explain.

Safe to say, my plans did not go as expected at all. And when things get out of hand, it leaves me frustrated, especially if I can't do anything about it. One of the things which I generally can't do anything about is feeling. Like if something ticks you off, it simply does, and you can't do anything but get ticked off. There's no cure, distraction, or solution to it, except for something that amplifies that feeling. I hate it. Maybe that's why I'm so apathetic when it comes to opinions and advice. I always give the 'middle-path' answer. The open ended answer. The do whatever the fuck you like as long as you're happy and I don't get shit for it. I find that it relieves me of some implied responsibility when things go wrong. I'm fine with sharing the burdens every now and then when bad shit happens, but if I had a hand in it, even indirectly, then it would just really suck for me. Maybe... I just care too easily, so I shy away from it, so that I don't wind up feeling so angry when things turn out badly.

Life's hard enough as it is. I get off on the drama of other people. Why should I add to my own pile of dirty laundry? And subtly air it here to dry?

This wrong mind cannot process feelings the right way.... It cannot rationalise the way some things can just happen as they do... This wrong mind is starting to bleed.

 

....why do people have to leave? :( 

My Underwhelming Euphoria and The Advent of Cyberempathy

Last week has been exciting, just as it should be. The office was recovering from the first half of the Chinese New Year lull and we had a few good rounds of Texas Hold'em Poker. I broke even, after all those bouts of raising and folding.

What was more exciting was my adoption of a smartphone! It's a Blackberry Curve 8520, and belonged to the deputy head of the department. It's not the highest end model, and it lacks 3G and GPS, but that's fine with me. 3G is overrated for now as there isn't much heavy duty bandwidth I require for now and GPS was instantly solved with Google Maps. So that makes the rest of the phone's functions more than adequate for my desires. Did I mention it was gratis? Oh, yes it is! Well, in the sense that I didn't have to fork out any cash for the phone. My part of this bargain was to enter into a mobile plan contract with DiGi to get the phone at a cheaper price for said deputy head (The hunt for the model he wanted deserves an ENTIRE POST ON ITS OWN. hrmph). So I would get his phone for free and he would pay for the newer model. I would be bound by the contract for 2 years and I figured that if I wanted, I could just sell the Curve and get another model, so this would work like a rebate. A depreciating one at that, but hey, in the meantime, I get to pop my smartphone cherry!

Enter day 1 of mobile broadband goodness...ok scratch that, make it day 2, cuz Blackberry and DiGi were completely not talking to each other, at least for my account, so I got stuck with Wi-Fi on day 1. Come day 2, I got most of the much needed applications installed via wi-fi, and was raring to go try em all out. First off, I overestimated the number of Blackberry users out there. Only 6 people were in my Blackberry Messenger list. That makes a sad BBM user out of me. But I brushed it aside, as the BBM's purpose was fulfilled. 5 out of 6 were from my office, whom swear on the BBM's group chat, and till this day (4 days and counting) had not send a word through the group chat. Let me just highlight that this was the main reason for me getting the blackberry.

The second reason, was push email. Yes, it has been around for more than a decade but I was always a late bloomer anyway. This was made the second reason because I can do push on any other smartphone model, and I initially wanted the iPhone 4. So on I went entering the server details etc and voila! E-mail on my phone is alive! I had....0 new mails. Of course, this was understandable as it was (it still is as I write this) the Chinese New Year holidays but I'm a smartphone virgin here! You can't expect me to keep that in mind while I'm ravishing my boss's sloppy seconds like a horny puppy in a sea of bitches in heat!

Ok, work aside, all there is left for the phone to do is social networking. The staples came in and worked like wonders. I couldn't keep my fingers off the device as I scrolled up and down through the apps for various opportunities for me to contribute to the negavortex of tweets, likes and comments. About 10 minutes into this frenzy I worked myself into, I had to look up to stretch my neck. Once I did, I just stared blankly ahead for a while. Then I put the Blackberry aside, lifted my hands forward, and started typing and clicking with my desktop. The negavortex turned into a little twister passing by as I whizzed my virtual hand through it and watched it dissipate into endless cyberspace. By now, you must realise that I had, all this while, been sitting right in front of my PC and communicating with the Blackberry.

Did I finally get to experience the Blackberry at it's best? I did, on day 3, when I was actually on the go. Safe to say, it was one of the most underwhelming experiences I've had, and I had all that anticipated euphoria made up in my mind.

On a separate note, I noticed that people have and always been deducing emotions from chat text. Like, on a Facebook status, someone posted a shoutout on some local tragedy (think freak death) and these 2 people, X and Y responded with the proverbial LOL. A third and fourth person came into the conversation subsequently, one chiming in with X with another LOL and another condemning Y for being so insensitive. Weird, but can people actually perceive a person's intentions just via text? It makes sense to then deduce that such perception is based on the text source's character, or just your impression of that character. Then, you build impressions and form real emotional responses to and from the text.

It's really weird, because today, I got wished a few Happy Valentine's Day from friends. Some wishes I genuinely felt happy for, and others... well, there's just no polite way to put it, is there? Still, I want to describe this feeling as accurately as I can. So here goes: You know when you're friends with some people and others get acquainted along the way, and you somehow get entwined in their social circle and sometimes make interaction out of obligation to the common friend that you share? After that, some of these acquaintances may come up and offer what is seemingly a genuine greeting and well wishes to you, but you can't seem to shake the annoying feeling that you don't really want to interact but you still do anyway because, you know, you're nice? So you reciprocate what feels like awkward conversation for you but YOU feel like they're getting a genuine experience out of it, during which point you're just finding some excuse to leave politely and hopefully not interact with the acquaintance again. It feels like that, and it feels like crap. Because you're not doing a nice thing, yet you're not really getting anything out of it other than leaving a favourable impression on the counterparty.

Describing the above makes the whole thing sound like patronising, but with some form of finesse. I think people do a lot of it in the virtual world nowadays. Sometimes, I feel like I'm at the receiving end, even though it's in text. And it sucks, because it may be me making it up in me head, and talking about it may jeopardise matters further, so I can't confirm it, and I don't like to be left wondering like that. It doesn't help that I'm a bit thick when it comes to these matters. But in the end, I can't really help it, so to hell with it all. They're not gonna rain on my parade.

How powerful are your cyberempathy skills? This wrong mind constantly wonders....

Only Because We Want So Much

This weekend was much needed. Lots of quiet. I like it. That part of me hasn't changed.

But there's a lingering worry in my head. It's work, and because of all the rush, my quiet was briefly disturbed by a few relentless phone calls. I'm used to letting go of work for the weekend, so after the bugging, I put it away. Whomever said that work has to be a passion must be so lucky that their wants and needs coincide. Alas, it's not meant to be for the masses out there. Having said that, I still keep my ideals, and hopefully, nay, someday, I'll get to say it for myself, that my work is my passion.

People keep wanting, and they keep seeing and wanting even more. We were born and blessed with a seed of envy inside us, hence the saying: The grass is always greener on the other side; or, in Chinese: The moon in foreign land seems rounder. Every time a person strives and achieves for something, there's always something more. We'll never be happy this way. Maybe we're just happy to be unhappy, or to be wanting to be happy. The yearn drives us to work harder and harder until we can do no longer. Sounds depressing, doesn't it? Yet, knowing this somehow brings a sense of peace to me. There's a lot to be said, but ultimately it just takes away the worry. The worry about work, health, family, friends, life and death.

I think this state of mind is important, and hope that people share the same thoughts. Just live life the way you can, because the way you want will always be there.

Time to let it all go again and enjoy the quiet, till badminton at 4pm, that is. Then to clean my room for the Chinese New Year. Sundays like these are really beautiful.

It looks like I'm not reaching my Chinese New Year weight goal of 90kg. Still 2kg short. Shame. But I still have a week left. Maybe I'll go crazy and binge the 2kg away, which sounds like a bad idea.

For the Moments. Those that were and those to come.

Since I was denied my sleep prior to midnight, I shall be posting this entry.

I was showering and preparing to continue watching the ending to Cinema Paradiso. It's such a nice movie that it doesn't occur to me that it is almost 3 hours long.

It's now the first hour of 2011. I don't have any new resolutions. I only wish to keep the resolve I've had for the past year.

Right now, it's like war outside, lots of pops and booms. I managed to hop outside with my brother for a moment to catch the last of the fireworks. The streetlights paled in comparison, and while we were half-heartedly admiring the light show, half a dozen of dogs were scurrying away from the fireworks, cowering from the sound. This reminds me of Fluffy. I still miss him.

We went back upstairs and I went to wish Ma and Pa a Happy New Year. I caught Pa snacking on prawn crackers, which he shouldn't be doing, but it's the New Year, and it's his life.

So I continued on with the movie, and that was followed by the end of this post.

I don't have anything I haven't already resolved to do, like I said earlier. But I do have my list of demands of life. The things that I don't believe are in my control.

Actually, I would really just like to fall in love, for once.

Or maybe it's just the movie talking right now.

Good night, folks, and Happy New Year.

Growing Old, Growing Up, Growing Apart

I had an amazing year.

It started out with the beginning of a new job, which would be a stepping stone to another one within the same industry. I had the fortune of meeting so many new people and learned a great deal from them, and from many aspects too. I'm finally 25, and growing old has never meant so little to me.

This year would mark the first year I officially stepped into the world of corporate finance. Given the opportunity, I wish I could have done so earlier. I think I would've made it a lot further and happier today. I've made a few big mistakes here and there. Some were repercussions of my rash decisions and some were roads to hell paved with my misguided good intentions. I've tried to make amends, and hopefully no one holds a serious grudge against me. Still, it seems that growing up may have made me more myopic. I think for myself now more than ever, and give less regard for other opinions. Ironically, I've also read more and expanded my horizon, acknowledging more possibilities and understanding many new points of view. This has simply convinced me even more that I should stand my ground and hold my own every time I am challenged. So I've grown up a little, and sometimes I still wish I hadn't.

I feel like my thoughts are more composed this year. I'm not as scattered as I was a few years back, where I would just piece in whatever I can think of just to form a sentence. I also feel like I've cemented my character somewhat, and as a result, I've set myself in a direction with more certainty. I've set a few concrete goals, and I'm already halfway there in achieving some. But I've taken on too much and not giving myself enough time to keep up.

Many people seem to think that the more we grow up, the more the blacks and whites become gray. I think it's completely the opposite. I think people just lose themselves while growing up, because we were taught the blacks and whites , the rights and wrongs, and the do's and don'ts since we were young and they should have never left us. Because as we grow up, we learn more, and instead of letting our learning muddle and confuse our character, we should let it reinforce our hearts and minds. Saying "it's complicated" is just an excuse for being ignorant, indecisive, or weak.

On another note, as I venture further into the unfamiliar grounds of this world, I've left the roads I've trodden untouched, as many of us inevitably do while moving forward in life. For better or worse, it has happened. We've all grown apart, and as much as I still cherish and hold these bonds and banes (yes, they all matter) close to my heart, I've got to keep moving, and can only pray that these paths cross again.

This wrong mind thinks that the right heart it's stuck with, may not have been right after all

Marriage In The Malaysian Chinese Culture

It's coming to the end of year 2010. I'm at about a third of the average Malaysian lifespan. It just so happens that during this year, many people are getting married, with more announced to come next year.


I've gotten to thinking: Until I was part of a wedding ceremony where I was really close to the couple, I had never felt so much as a tingle in a wedding. It came as a surprised to me. I felt moved by the vows, touched by the families and friends who gave their best wishes, and I was floored by that brief moment of silence where words could not escape a mouth in the chapel. It was a beautiful moment. Love was truly in the air, and it was a celebration etched in my heart forever.


In hindsight, I began pondering the past weddings I've attended. I would never have thought of the married couple. The entire process would be just that - a process. The courtesies would be extended. The tables would be filled; Glasses raised and toasted to a proverbial eternity. Hundreds of people from families extended to the third degree will worship you for a day and be done with it, looking forward to the next. I can't help but wonder what the whole point of it all is, because I just don't feel the love.


Chinese culture in dictates 4 main ceremonies: The proposal, the pre-wedding, the wedding day, and the wedding night. In Malaysia and in such commercial/modern times, the first and last ones are ignored as it is more on superstition. There is much more practicality and celebration (which goes hand in hand with commercialisation) in the middle two ceremonies. To cut it short, the majority of the pre-wedding involves decoration and dowry, while the wedding day involves a lot of feasting and traveling. This translates to inter alia a hefty budget. Having said all that, and in the wise words of the Black Eyed Peas: Where Is The Love? Isn't that what leads to marriage in the first place?


I've heard many an explanation. Some give the excuse that the large budget is a sign of how much love you have for each other. Some say it's to let everyone know and celebrate your once-in-a-lifetime occassion. But the explanation I found most appropriate is that it's an age old tradition where in each act and item symbolically represents the commitment of the couple to each other. In our culture, we must celebrate it, and so it is imperative that it be made known to the world that a man and a woman have paired up and are now praying for a hundred children (ouch). Marriage is a celebration by itself, and in this day and age, it has become stereotypical. The love has always been there, taken for granted.


But love comes in many forms. I have witnessed quite a few. The media today has even given us a multitude of examples we have not seen, and there is much more where that came from. Yet the predominance of these ceremonies have it drilled in our thick skulls that marriage, which is by extension, love, is defined within the walls of our heritage. Now I sound like an ingrate bastard child set out to revolutionise our cultural identities. But I digress, so this brings me back to the first question: What is the point of marriage?


Me and my wrong mind think that it's simply a social milestone that's been in our heritage for heritage's sake. That said, I'm glad that I have the honour of experiencing one of the happiest marriages I've ever seen. So I conclude: It's the union that I covet, and the love that I seek. Marriage is simply an avenue of celebrating it all. I just don't see it happening for me. 


Here's to your happily ever after. YUUUUMMMMMMMM-SENG!