Miscalculating The Incalculable.

So here's the thing. I've been meeting a lot of new people. I think only the select few whom actually listen to me when I blabber about the intimate details of my life (and read this blog post) know what I mean.

Like many new experiences, I always make it a point to go about learning as much about them beforehand as possible, and if you're a person who plans, you know that it comes with expectations. These expectations may be more or less than what you truly experience, or to put simply, just different. That's why they're called experiences, or life's lessons, because you can't learn it any way other than living it.

I won't go into the finer details here for my own sake, cuz I've gone through them with you already (you know who you are). So, if you actually bothered to read this post and don't know what I'm talking about, feel free to ask me in person, and I'll gladly explain.

Safe to say, my plans did not go as expected at all. And when things get out of hand, it leaves me frustrated, especially if I can't do anything about it. One of the things which I generally can't do anything about is feeling. Like if something ticks you off, it simply does, and you can't do anything but get ticked off. There's no cure, distraction, or solution to it, except for something that amplifies that feeling. I hate it. Maybe that's why I'm so apathetic when it comes to opinions and advice. I always give the 'middle-path' answer. The open ended answer. The do whatever the fuck you like as long as you're happy and I don't get shit for it. I find that it relieves me of some implied responsibility when things go wrong. I'm fine with sharing the burdens every now and then when bad shit happens, but if I had a hand in it, even indirectly, then it would just really suck for me. Maybe... I just care too easily, so I shy away from it, so that I don't wind up feeling so angry when things turn out badly.

Life's hard enough as it is. I get off on the drama of other people. Why should I add to my own pile of dirty laundry? And subtly air it here to dry?

This wrong mind cannot process feelings the right way.... It cannot rationalise the way some things can just happen as they do... This wrong mind is starting to bleed.

 

....why do people have to leave? :(